Padawan…

Neither of my kids are in a committed relationship. One has extensive short term (hint- wham, bam, thank ya, ma’am) stints and the other has had relatively NO experience. They both tell me that relationships nowadays are physical first, that it is common to not know the partner’s full name before things get physical, and who a person is isn’t as important as what cool things they can offer in the genitalia department. Umm, kaaaay.

Thank God I’m not young. Thank God even more that I never will be again.

I taught my kids about sex. I taught my kids a lot about sex. If they asked a question, I answered it in a way they could understand and process without being gross or going into too much detail. I always told them before an explanation, “There is a lot to this, if you don’t want to hear everything about it, tell me now. You can stop me if it’s too much for you.” And then, I told them the truth, the truth about their anatomy, what party tricks it could do, what diseases they could catch, what the slang names they were asking about really were… I was really good at that part of being a mom.

And now, they teach their friends what I taught them. Surprisingly, with as “open” as sexuality seems to be now, people have decidedly little understanding of what is really going on with their bodies. They know how to get down, don’t get me wrong, but they are missing the emotional aspects of it because somehow sexuality has become separate from emotion.

We’re all here because biology makes us able to procreate with anyone of our choosing. When we choose partners of the opposite sex, we breed (at some point). So, in theory, you can screw anyone or anything you want. Eww.

I’m not here to tell anyone they’re wrong. Quite the contrary, I only want people to understand everything about themselves before they run headlong in the wind (thanks, Garth).

If you’re young (or maybe not) and you’re single (or maybe not) and you’re having sex with people to whom you have no commitment greater than the next few hours, pay attention.

You can have all the sex in the world and still not find yourself happy. You can have all the partners in the world (except me) and climax a new way with each of them and still be missing something. Or not, whatever. But, this whole have sex all the time movement that seems to be so popular isn’t doing much for the sake of progress. I think it might even be dragging us back to the dark ages.

I’m not saying anyone needs to be Duggar-esque with chaperones and side hugs, here. What I am saying is that I’m pretty sure there are a lot of bodies out there who are pretty mortified come morning light with their “selection” of partner the night before (or the hour, I’m not judging). Why? Because they don’t know them. They don’t know anything about them. They don’t know why she didn’t want her feet touched. They didn’t know he didn’t want you to be vocal because your voice sounds like his mother’s. They didn’t know that he flipped out because he always has to be on the left side of the bed.

It seems trivial, but those little things are bigger than they seem. Maybe if you knew beforehand, you never would have banged them. We all learn through the course of our relationships what the deal breakers are and we respond to them. We come to trust ourselves and our partners when we navigate things for ourselves, both alone and as couples. Who would someone not have had sex with if they had only known that element? How do we feel when we find out about that deal breaker?

And, if sex is the goal, and we’re having sex almost immediately, what are we growing? Are we building a real relationship? I know there are plenty of one night stands that turn into really great relationships, but I don’t think they are as common as we might hope. I even know a few people who have great marriages that started out as one nighters. Yes, they happen. But don’t bank on that happening. I’m fairly certain it is a happy woops. So, when the sex is easy and the growing is hard, guess what usually happens? Someone gets bored and looks elsewhere for what they’re needing.

And just like that, there’s nothing. Maybe not even a thought.

So, ask yourself, knowing you *can* have all the sex you want, “I can have sex with anyone, why do I want to have sex with this person? What makes it so much better?”

And then, remember what Ms. Hairspray has to say, “If you can’t answer those questions, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex with them in the first place.”

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